Answering “Why?”

All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that all God’s people may be thoroughly equipped for every good work. – 2 Timothy 3:16-17

This is my third fourth… eighth (!) week here (time is flying!), and several indicators show that life is settling, friends and acquaintances are sifting down, personal and school times are distinguishing themselves, and class responsibilities are replacing endless nights of exploring new places, shopping for necessities, and meeting new neighbors… FINALLY! Describing the process of the last several weeks is almost as strenuous as actually going through it. But the unsettled, wandering feelings seem to be waning, replaced by joyful exhalation as each day brings us closer to the normalcy we migrants relinquished when we came here.

Despite the settling-in feelings, I still yearn for the peace and relaxation that perfectly soothes yet rejuvenates my soul. I’m still looking for balance, and the search has taken its toll. After years of comfortable living at home, familiar groups of friends at college, and knowing exactly who I am in the context of where and what I am doing, here at Regent I’ve found myself facing some of the same old difficulties of life outside the protective environs of home.

First off, I’m usually a studious wreck for class day. My Mondays and Thursdays are completely full of school and studying, whereas my Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays allow me recovery, reading and rest time. The unstructured down time has its perks, but leads to a cram session each night before class. I have yet to balance out my week in such a way as to ensure 8 hours of sleep every night, adequate meal time, or simple tv and internet distractions at the end of a long day. It just hasn’t worked out that way so far, which is a major contributor to my consternation. The sooner I can be done with my work and sitting on the couch for a playoff baseball game, the better (how are the Giants doing, by the way?).

Secondly, I have a difficult time understanding what, exactly, is required of me here. I know I’m in grad school to learn and develop the calling and profession of my life, but what exactly is that? Why isn’t it a clear-cut path? And what is the measuring stick in my classes? How do I avoid failure? Why does a sense of fear seem to creep into my class preparations and studying? Am I afraid of my inadequacies, or my appearance? Do I measure myself against others in class, or by my grades compared to others? What is the ultimate outcome of all my effort, sacrifice and faithfulness? What am I doing here, and where am I going ultimately?

And finally, please help me understand how it is I am supposed to fit into this new culture. Am I a spoke or the hub of the wheel? Do I entertain others or am I being entertained? Do I follow the crowd or am I leading the charge? Do I sit back or assert myself? Do I limit my circles or expand my horizons? Do I spread myself thin or play reserved? What is the balance that I not only seek, but truly need? Asking these questions is an important step to take, but I can’t keep wondering around here forever. God, I need some answers!

This is what beginning again is all about – the chance to renew my perspective, to regenerate my purpose and reason for waking up in the morning. The times are rare when life allows for a total realignment of interest and opportunity. And yet, such an opportunity is before me. I’m here to take advantage of that!

To answer God’s calling, to seek God’s approval, to bring God glory, to establish God’s kingdom, to work God’s plan, to contribute to God’s outcome, to give God all glory and honor and praise for the life He has given me, allowed me live, and will one day finally redeem for all eternity… What greater answer is there, ever, to “Why?”

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  – Phil 3:12